5 Simple Ways To Create Connection

This post is sponsored by Prevent Child Abuse America. 

People are always surprised when they learn that I experienced a number of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) yet did not experience the negative health outcomes associated with ACEs. It was only a few years ago that I learned why; I had two things on my side: trusted adults (educators were key for me) who issued support and encouragement while I struggled, and a source of joy (playing music) to tap into. These two things can help buffer kids from toxic stress, the kind of sustained stress that can lead to negative health outcomes.

After my senior violin recital, with some of the mentors who helped me thrive at Wheaton College. L to R: Carlton Russell, Gail Sahar, Derek Price, Christine Koh, Sue Alexander, Grace Baron, Charlie Fassett

Learning about the impact of these seemingly basic buffering factors was huge, because it gave me hope, reinforced my belief that we are all part of a bigger system, and reminded me that prevention is possible, which is something I want to share further about through a partnership with Prevent Child Abuse America. Celebrating their 50th anniversary this year, Prevent Child Abuse America is committed to preventing child abuse and neglect before it happens through on-the-ground programs and advocacy that impacts systems-level change.

I will jump right to the joyful spoiler: Whether you did or did not experience ACEs as a child, or currently are in a family system where ACEs are or are not in play, all of us—parents, community leaders, business leaders, policy leaders—have a role to play in ACEs prevention. Every kid deserves to thrive and kids need safe, stable, and nurturing relationships and environments to do so. These positive relationships and environments are created by many, interrelated things: for example, trusted adults, community support systems, and pro-family policies (e.g., tax credits, paid leave)—all of which better position parents and caregivers to have the bandwidth to create a supportive environment at home.

I often think about the immense pressures my parents endured as immigrants raising seven children in the Boston area. Money was always tight; purchases were made for needs not wants. My family often was a target for racial aggression; sometimes this took the form of vandalism of my parents’ convenience store, other times it meant physical attacks (I first experienced this at age 7). My parents also did a lot of caretaking—both my maternal and paternal grandparents lived in our crowded home, as well as other immigrating family members. My parents always shared what they had, and I have almost no memories of them being taken care of by others. They were deeply burdened in many ways.

Thanks to the pandemic, I think we are all familiar with feeling deeply burdened. I recently aired an Edit Your Life podcast episode called Tiny Moments of Self-Love, the inspiration of which partly was the depth of despair and anxiety I found myself experiencing amidst Russia’s attack on Ukraine. Everything is, without a doubt, a lot right now, but one shining light in the coverage of Ukraine has been seeing the way that people around the globe are stepping up for the people of Ukraine. The image I saw on Twitter of strollers left by Polish mothers for Ukrainian mothers who fled their country with babies in arms was just one of many moments that has reminded me of how connected we all are and how connected we must be in order to be stronger as a whole.

Part of my life mission is to convey how the small things are the big things, and today, I want you to take an action to create connectedness in service of ACEs prevention. Here are some simple ideas to get you started:

1.Identify one thing that is immediately accessible that gives you joy

I discovered the power of this exercise a few years back when I had what I can best (but not medically) describe as a “stress seizure.” I was in a very bad place and jotted down a list of things that bring me comfort and joy and in doing so realized that many of the things on that list (e.g., reading, 5 minutes of quiet in the morning with my coffee) were right within my grasp. This tiny realization became a sustained life raft.

2. Text a friend

I sometimes laugh over the fact that I used to hate texting because now I love it; the brevity of the medium takes the pressure off. Oftentimes I will just send a friend a “thinking of you” text or a funny GIF. Or if I’m in a tough place sometimes I will reach out and say something like, “Dealing with some hard things but don’t have time to talk. Please send me emojis.”

3. Consider taking the first step to build a new relationship

I recently wrote a piece for CNN on how to make adult friendships. It was a joyful piece to write because I crowdsourced the ideas via Instagram Stories and people shared the most amazing ideas. This piece is evidence of the good that can come from struggle.

4. Offer or ask for help with kid transport

These days, I find that any degree of freedom is an important degree of freedom. And as the world continues to open up, so have the needs to get kids from point A to point B. Pretty much at every turn where Violet needs to get somewhere I ask or offer to carpool.

5. Drop a food item to someone who needs it

I am a big fan of food as a relationship builder, whether that is help with a meal or groceries. During a recent grocery shop I picked up a bag’s worth of groceries for someone whose husband was out of the country for an extended period of time, knowing that with a young child at home, grocery shopping is just, well, harder. Whether it’s a bag of groceries to a loved one, a canned food item into a micro-pantry, or sharing a baked good with a neighbor, there are lots of ways to build relationships through the love language of food.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. I will be talking about more ideas regarding community support services and advocacy on April 14 via an interview with the amazing Dr. Melissa Merrick of Prevent Child Abuse America over at Edit Your Life.