What Day Is It? Six Things to Say + Do When You’re Overwhelmed
I’m missing my regular Boston Mamas contributions and feeling very out of the habit as I pen this one! Because, you know, pandemic. And also a house fire (we’re okay). And a week of super weird symptoms that may or may not be COVID-19. Plus worrying about our parents who are at pretty significant risk, and waiting for one of them to get test results back (negative, whew). Also, unexpectedly homeschooling two kids, one of whom has special needs, without any of the support team members we’ve built up around him for years. The list goes on… so let’s just say I’m grateful that Christine is so darned “do whatever works” right now. She’s pretty much the best when it comes to employers, in case any of you readers are wondering!
In the spirit of what feels like a collective “OMG THIS IS HARD” mood… here are 6 things I’ve been saying or doing to make it through some very challenging days.
1. Lower Your Expectations. Great, Now Lower Them Even More.
This doesn’t come easy to me. At all. But right now I’m home with one kid who has some pretty serious mental health challenges on a good day. And both kids were pretty traumatized after we got home to firefighters spraying down a corner of our house on the same day that our town announced its school closure. If a lot of structure works well for your family (it often does for us), then do that. If imposing a lot of structure is going to cause a lot of blow ups in your household right now… skip it. Do. What. Works.
2. Repeat After Me: This. Is. Temporary.
No, we don’t know how long it will last. Yes, it’s hard to know what day it is. But it’s temporary. Whatever we do or don’t do… whatever happens or doesn’t happen...nothing is forever, including our emotional response. As adults, we keep cycling through various stages of grief. Our kids do, too. Some days (or hours) may feel downright normal or joyful. Then just like that, things can feel hard all over again. So join me in repeating: “This. Is. Temporary. It won’t always feel this way.”
3. Keep Those Expectations Low Longer than You’re Tempted To.
Remember how I said it’s hard for me to lower expectations? Even when I manage to do it, I’m almost always tempted to increase them (for myself and my kids) way too quickly. So I’ve actually made a deal with a close friend: as long as these social distancing measures stay in place, I will only increase expectations for myself or my son once per week, maximum. And I’ll never do it in the moment or when as a reaction to my brain’s catastrophizing and future predicting. Because, no, the next few weeks won’t cause him to live at home forever as a video game obsessed recluse. It’s okay to keep expecting very little if that’s what works right now.
4. Feel the Feels But Know You’re Not Alone.
For a lot of us, one of the most uncomfortable things about fear, sadness, and anger can be how isolating they feel. Especially right now, with constrained social outlets and no physical connection outside our immediate household, the loneliness of these moments can be brutal. I learned many years ago from a meditation teacher to experience my suffering when I breathe in, and to express peace when I breathe out.
To that end, as I exhale I often silently repeat the words, “May we all be free from…” and insert whatever particular brand of suffering I’m experiencing at the moment. Examples right now frequently include, but are definitely not limited to:
Suffering over our fear of the unknown
Suffering over anger at the sociopathic leadership of our country
Suffering over the monotony of this never-ending Groundhog Day life
Suffering over our sadness and grief
Suffering over irritation with a family member
It functions as an instant reminder that we’re not, in fact, alone. And it offers the chance to experience compassion for others and ourselves all at once. Which, it turns out, is good for our mental health.
5. No One Is Winning at This.
Many of us wonder why we can’t get it together like so-and-so even on a good day. Turns out that comparison is alive and well in the age of COVID-19. And mom guilt abounds. Social media has filled up quickly with lists of shoulds… for our physical safety, for our children’s education, for our mental health, for our community, for our fitness, for our… honestly, the list goes on and on. And as always, some folks inevitably curate their content to highlight the five minutes (or seconds) of glory in their day, while remaining silent about the challenges. When the “shoulds” start to overtake me, I simply recall one of my favorite pandemic memes: Simmer Down Karen, There’s No Award for Best Quarantine Mom.
6. Thank You. Please. I’m Sorry.
Gratitude buoys our resilience. After many recent days of gloomy weather, my body goes wild for sunshine right now. Whatever there is to be grateful for in the day… I’m pausing to think or say the words “thank you” to the universe or to an individual.
I’m saying “please” quite often as well, because I find that asking for what I need has become imperative. With my kids and husband, this often relates to ownership of various household tasks. With friends, it’s all about can we please have group text chains and regular Zoom calls because you are my people and I need you.
And finally, if “I’m sorry” wasn’t in your vocabulary before now… living in close quarters with minimal time away from one another means that we are all getting in each other’s way sometimes. We are all experiencing moments of grief, irritability, or frustration. Including me. So I’m making sure that I’m quick to apologize when I’m being a grump.
What Day Is It? Six Things to Say + Do When You’re Overwhelmed